Dear God,
It’s been 12 weeks since that fateful night Father. That fateful night when I left the battlefield emotionally scarred and physically broken. The memories have become hazy and the circumstances have changed, but I still remember clearly that moment that You spoke to me. You told me to leave, to walk away, and that’s what I did.
Not a lot of people understood why I did it. Why I decided to pack my bags and just end it after 4 years of sharing a home with this man. We seemed perfect together, the whole world thought. But no one really knew that deep inside I have become unhappy and self destructive. That I was consumed by the looming uncertainty of this non-committed relationship I had tirelessly fought for. I was in too deep to give up that I didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore. I was caught in between hopelessness and depression and I lost all sense of myself.
At first I really couldn’t understand how I could walk away just like that either. I spent hours drifting in and out of sleep, wishing for it to all make sense, looking for signs in dreams. For the first couple of days after that night, I lived in denial and lies. There were moments when I felt confused by my actions and I started doubting if I made the right decision. Little did I know then that You had it all planned for me. That in just a few days, You were going to reveal what You had in store for me.
April 6 was the day that changed it all. I remember feeling under the weather and not myself, but I promised a friend that I would attend B1G Connect, and I was compelled to NOT break that promise. I remember feeling anxious about it. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. But the minute I stepped into the darkened hall, I was taken. I tried fighting back the tears that were welling up in my eyes, but by the middle of the song “Mighty to Save”, I was inconsolable. I cried for all the broken dreams, the wasted years, the sleepless nights. I cried for the times that I felt I was alone in my darkest hours, that I had no one else to turn to. I cried for wanting to be strong on my own, for making myself believe that I was invincible and unshaken. I cried, because for the first time in 28 years, I felt your overpowering love surround me, and at that moment, I knew I have come home.
I realized that even when I denied Your existence, You have been constantly pursuing me. Even when I did not know what to call You, You were answering the prayers I blindly threw out to the universe. Your love has always been there, even when I refused to recognize it, even when I gave others the credit, even when I tried to run away from it. While I was barely living my so-called life, You were busy rearranging my circumstances, changing my outlook and orchestrating the perfect homecoming for me. It was surreal. And I still get goosebumps thinking about it.
Through Your grace, I feel no pain, I have no regrets and I have embraced this new existence that You have laid out for me. Even though there are days when the past comes to haunt and taunt me, I keep still and hold on to Your word. I know now how it feels to be unconditionally loved, there is no reason for me to settle for less.
In You, I have stopped living in the lie that I was broken. I have let go of the disappointments in my head and replaced them with aspirations. I was brought here for a reason. I may not know what Your plans are yet, but I have faith that You are preparing me for a future that will surpass all my hopes and expectations. My life, my heart is NO LONGER MY OWN, I lift it all to You. Because only You, Father God, can make a battered and abused heart whole again. It’s only through your grace that THIS heart was able to recover.
Every day I feel grateful for all of this. I wake up every morning with renewed hope and an everlasting sense of awe. Father, I know I am undeserving, and yet You have showered me with countless blessings. I cannot thank You enough for this new life, this new perspective, this new opportunity to love and serve You more. Your grace has been more than enough, there’s really nothing more I could ask for.
Your child,
Nia
Nia Writes 