An Open Letter to the Girl That Once Was

I remember when the days would drag on for you, and you wouldn’t know the difference between Monday and Friday. You’d lay in bed at night, wondering, wishing, barely believing that better days were ahead. You had this air about you, even when the heartbreak took over, you would never accept defeat. You loved the world too much, even though you knew that it would never love you back.

You were too giving of your time and affections. You wanted to love. You wanted to love so badly that you forgot who you were. To be fair, you never really knew who you were, until you came to know Him. Once you surrendered, you became a new creation in His name. But there are days when the enemy tries to deceive you, and you begin to doubt your worth. And you suddenly feel like nothing’s really changed.

The past year has been tough on you I know. And a lot of times, you’ve just wanted to run away and give up. But in those moments when you think there’s nothing else you can do, know that God is already working things out for you. You may not see it from where you are right now, but always have faith and hope. Faith in the one who made you. And hope that He will see you through.

Christian life was never designed to be easy. Remember that always. Especially when you start to feel entitled and the idea that you’re “God’s Child” starts to get to your head. You’re still like everyone else. You still curse, you still worry, you still sin. But what sets you apart is that you know better now. You know who you belong to. And once you’re in His hand, there’s nothing that can snatch you away.

You always loved going up the mountains, catching the midnight bus, just so you can wake up the next morning to pine scented air. You had this wanderlust that was impossible to cure, as if you were on an endless search for something more. Longing for safety, or wanting to feel free, it was all the same.

You may not have realized it then, but this last trip means more to you now, than it ever did in the beginning.

You’ve come so far, girl that once was. Only by His grace.

An Open Letter to the One That Got Away

What seems like yesterday is a sequence of scenes I replay over and over in my head. It’s like being able to touch you, really touching, holding your hand as we walk through this road again. You may not have noticed, the way my eyes would carefully, unforgivably study yours. As though wanting to see the world through your perspective or trying so hard to look deeply into your soul.

It’s funny how a line from a movie could mean so much when you’re the one who says it, or how a single refrain from a song could define an entire lifetime with you. Your scent lingers still, as I crawl into myself, all alone on your bed. When I close my eyes and let myself fall back onto the sheets, I drift off to a fantasy when things were so simple for even you and me.

We were uncompromising individuals, fierce with obsessions and thirsty for life. We walked too fast while others heavily dragged themselves through what they would call a ‘miserable life’. I remember how it feels to wake up in the morning bathing in the light. I remember being eager to face the world with an undying spirit. I remember vividly how it is to be living for someone else other than myself.

Time used to pass by so fast but now I can barely make out a day. You see, I’ve gotten so used to it, the numbness of it all – the emptiness, the gap, and this black hole. I’ve lost the desire to be the one who could win the race against the sun. You always said that nothing was impossible, that we could outrun anything and anyone, even the sun, if we wanted to. Those rainbows had pots of gold ready for the taking, only visible to men who dare to live their dreams. That one day we’ll run away to the stars and be free.

I never saw it coming, I didn’t even have a clue what you were going through. But for whatever it’s worth – I was the best person I could be when I was with you. Pain has consumed half of me but you and I both know that’s not enough. You deserve to have all of me.

I need to get up from this bed but not until I’ve cried my last tears. And after breaking down a million times over, I know I’m strong yet again. Ready to cope with the cruelty of the world and the stares people give me. I just whisper to myself, ‘They don’t know who I am, they don’t know the loss I try to survive’.

I look back at the room for one last time before I turn off the lights, goodbye wouldn’t be so hard if only you were still alive.

Author’s Note: Written in 2005. Fictional piece inspired by true events.